For the past 5 years, my sister and I were the only ones who lived here in the Philippines while my parents and my brothers stayed abroad. I had to cope up with a lot of stuff. Peer pressure, sloth, study pressures, sibling rivalry, myself and my parents’ continuous old fashioned way. It wasn’t I didn’t I appreciate what they did for me. I just happened to have a different outlook in life. I know I’m not a bad person and I know I’m not what they say.

Since this year, they finally left both my brothers, things have changed. It’s getting warmer in the house. Like there really is a family living in it. It’s not that we lived so apart, my sister and I, because she had college, I was in high school, age kept us apart, so we never really ate at the same time, called each other for dinner. There were also some times when I had to eat by myself. I spent nights outside because I couldn’t bear to be myself in the room with no one.
So there was a change. When I get home from school, someone would be “surprising” me at the door. It was noisy, we’d eat together. All a family should be doing together.

It was only this April 30, 08 when a lot of things happened. I got into trouble, and my parents got mad and I ended up having to look for a job. So I kept looking online and searched through a lot of job nets.
One night, I was with my brother inside the room. I was searching and I didn’t realize he was looking over my shoulder. Then he read what I was doing.
“Ate,(big sister) you’re looking for a job?” he asked.
At first I couldn’t answer. But eventually, knowing my brother, he’d ask again. So I told him.
“yes, I am looking for a job,”
Dumdumdadum…
“Why?” my ever-curious youngest brother asked.
“Because,” I said, simply, smiling so that he wouldn’t have any next questions.

After that night, I tried desperately to avoid him seeing me searching for a job again.
But soon enough, he was asking about it again.
One night, I had to go for an interview. It was scheduled at around 10pm, so I had to leave late. My brother, as a curious child, noticed I was dressed and he asked where I was going to. So of course, I told him the truth.

Monday, I think it was, he asked about it again.
“Ate, why are you getting a job at this age?” he asked.
“Because,” I replied, as simply as I could.
“Why, Ate, why?” he insisted.
“I’m not young anymore, like you,” I said finally.

Yesterday morning, I was searching again. Then he suddenly started playing with me, throwing me a pillow and smashing it over my face, laughing. I laughed too.
“Hey! I’m not doing anything to you! Why are you doing this?” I said, in a playful manner.
Then he answered,
“Because I don’t want you to get a job,”

It kind of broke my heart. I didn’t fully wanted a job. I just have to. I have to get a job. And it was killing me that my brother was seeing me tire myself out just for that job. He didn’t say it, but I could see it in his eyes. It was sweet but it hurt. Those words, and how he feels right now, are the only things that sometimes makes me regret what I did on April 28, 29. (Aside from all the people I hurt, I don’t really regret what I did. Is that bad?)

I have to get a job. Not because I wanted it bad. But because I’m going to need it. It just sucks that at a young age, my brother is such a sweetheart and truly cares.
Sometime back, I thought of getting an apartment when I get a job, if its too far. But when I think of leaving my brother, I pause for a minute.
Then I guess its true that sometimes, only the children are able to accept who you really are, despite your mistakes and your flaws. I guess thats why I’m hanging on to my brother.

Because deep inside, I feel he’s my only connection to my family right now.