I miss the old me. The one who used to be so adventurous. Who’d cross the road without a second beat. The one who would go out and not be lazy. The one who’d love parties and wouldn’t think twice about going out.

I miss the girl who used to love falling in love and the feeling of love.

Ever since my depression, I’ve become so cynical and pessimist and traumatized that I don’t know – I can’t find a way to free myself anymore.

Ever since my highway accident when I got hit by a motorcycle – stupid motorcycle – I can’t cross the streets without my knees shaking, don’t have the guts to go out in a strange place and most of all, I can’t even fall in love!

How would you like to live without love? Bummer right?

I’ve built this huge wall around me for my protection that I can’t seem to let anyone not even friends in. I’m so scared to be hurt that I don’t know how to risk it anymore. But I like risks, I want to take risks and yet there’s that overpowering fear that I can’t seem to overcome.

Why can’t I cross the road anymore?

Why can’t I fall in love anymore?

Why can’t I let people into my life anymore?

Why can’t I risk myself anymore?

Why do I want to pull away every time someone tries to come into my life?

It’s so hard coming out of depression. You can’t explain to everyone because not everyone will understand. If they do, they mistake it for pity and that’s just not something you’d want to experience.

So when I experienced a little risque business last week, I was so thrown off about why I wasn’t taking the same risks anymore. I wondered why I had confused love and infatuation and lust from crush.

Really, all this post-depression has changed me. And sometimes, I don’t like it.