I wonder how long I’ll keep torturing myself over what happened last year. How long will I be ashamed of what happened, my decisions and the life changing choices that I made out of fear? Can I still fix it? Can I still get back what I had worked for all of high school? Can I still finally face the big world out there and be strong enough to do what I should have done? How long will I have to face the fear of rejection? How long will I hide my fears, my tears, my embarrassment and everything else? How long will I have to keep living by myself in my own world?

I’m such a mess, no one even realizes it. I’m such a good actress that they never even suspect anything is wrong with me. Everyone thinks they know me, everyone expects these things from me, everyone thinks these things about me.

Yet they never really asked me about me.
I’m afraid if I don’t fix my mistakes, I’ll regret it, for the rest of my life. I’m afraid that if I don’t start facing my fears, I’ll never get to my goals. I’m afraid of rejection, of failure of disappointing others and myself for so many times now. I’m afraid.

That’s one thing they can never see about me.
I’m the biggest fraud there is. I lie to myself that I’m fine. But truly? I’m never going to be fine. Not unless I face the consequences of what has happened. Not unless I finally accept and move on and forgive myself for what happened on October 17, 2008.
It’s all in my head you know. That Friday. I can still remember it, so vividly, and I even wince in pain whenever I think about it.

How long will I keep hiding? How long will it take before I get the courage to admit to others how I’m really feeling?
I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of feeling the same old shit I do.
Yet, I’m tired of lying. Tired of lying to myself, to others. Tired of telling myself that I’m fine. Tired of trying to convince myself I’m doing the right thing, that I’m in the right place. Tired of pretending I’m happy and contented. Tired of thinking what I should’ve done and what I shouldn’t have. I’m so tired of everything. I’m so tired of this pretentious life I lead. I’m so tired of all the pressure, of all the insecurity, of the underestimation of myself. I’m so tired of it all.

I just wish someone would one day realize I’m not fine. I just wish someday I’d find someone who’d actually ask me how I am and won’t believe when I say I’m fine. I just wish someone would take a look at me and see me…as in really see me. I’m tired of being the one always asking them how they are and knowing when they’re okay or not. I’m tired of being invisible to everyone around me. I’m tired of being strong for myself.

I’m just so tired.

I don’t know where to fall back anymore. I don’t know how to actually smile from the inside anymore, and I’ve forgotten how it feels to be happy and contented with life.
How long will it take before I finally forgive myself and forget everything that has happened the past year? How long will I have to suffer and keep torturing myself?
I don’t know how much longer I can last. I don’t know how much strength I have left.
I don’t know how much more fake smiles I can give. I don’t know how much more patience I have. I don’t know how much more pain, suffering and torture from myself I can handle.