How can you hate and love a guy so much at the same time? I have no idea. But I certainly can.

“Would you be my girlfriend?”

3 years ago, on April 17, 2007 2:30am in the morning, he and I became an item.
So here, in the Philippines being an item is kind of big – you’re either together or not and if you’re together then, it’s a big deal, there’s monthsaries and anniversaries and all that romantic crap.
So in 2007, I was majorly in love with him. We began as friends actually around 2005, I think, until our 7 hour talks on the phone all night and comforting each other through rough times with my then-boyfriend and his then-girlfriend, turned us into something more. We never really admitted it then that we were falling for each other but it was like we already knew. So I felt a connection with him, like I never did with any other guy. We felt so comfortable with each other it was like I could talk to him about anything and everything. He became my best friend and my crying shoulder for my then-boyfriend.
After we started openly telling everyone around us that we had feelings for each other (but we never told each other directly), I wanted us to work out. I wanted to be with him, because he made me want to be a better person, made me happy and content. You know, the kind of fairy tales only children believe.
With him, I never questioned what love was about. You should read most of my poems. He inspired them! I write better when I’m with him. I believed if we had a chance to grow, we’d last. That was how big my faith was on us. I could still remember everything that happened between us – our first kiss, exact date – February 19, 2007 – the only special kiss I can recall.The kiss that I thought would bind us for a lifetime.

In the end, I’m not sure what hurt most, my disappointment or my broken heart.
Some time after we became an item, I wanted to believe we were okay. I wanted so bad to believe we were okay. That we were going to last long.

And then… we lost contact. Just like that. As simple as that. He no longer texted, called, visited. I was heart broken for months. Years to be exact. I turned down every guy who asked me out because I believed he’d come back to me. I believed he’d come back. I really did. Tell me I’m an idiot and I’d tell you I’m stupid.
I cried so much for him, hoped he’d come back. Everything I did to forget him and I never completely got over him.

So imagine my surprise, 3 years later, barely moved on, he returns, calling and texting me again (stupid me for falling so quick and giving him my number).
On January 27, 2010, almost midnight, I choked when he asked me the same question that had me missing the fun in about half of my teen life.

“Would you be my girlfriend?”

I didn’t know whether I should cry with happiness – because the one thing that I had pined for for so long is finally happening – or with anger – for even thinking that he’d can put me through the same thing he had done 3 years ago.

Confused, angry and disappointed in myself, I just wanted him to go – to leave me alone so that I can move on entirely, because I know deep down inside, I deserve so much more. I just wanted it to be done. Suddenly, I regret having given him my numbers at all – or even meeting him.

I blamed myself for putting me through all this. I blame myself for even hoping. I blame myself for not moving on and falling for someone like him.

I hate him so much for making me cry. I hate him for being so weak to stand up for his feelings. I hate him for being a coward. I hate him for being so insensitive.

I hate him so much, to his gut because he is him.

And beneath it all, I hate him so much because despite everything he’s done, every pain he’s given me, I’m still in love with him – or maybe with whoever he used to be – deeply in love with the best friend who would inspire me to write and believed in me when I couldn’t. The best friend who would take care of me when I was sick and watch movies with me over the telephone. The best friend who would text and call me everyday just to see or hear from me. The best friend who wouldn’t dare lie to me.

Before he asked me again, he told me he didn’t have girlfriend. He told me he never had one after me. Little did I know, just 2 days after, was his monthsary with his current girlfriend.

I don’t know who he is anymore. I don’t know where the guy I was majorly in love with anymore. I don’t know how he could stand to hurt me again after practically ripping my heart into pieces the day we lost contact. I don’t know how he could even stand to look at me as if nothing ever happened. I don’t know how he could’ve forgotten everything that happened between us – how little respect he now had for me that made him lie to me.

I think I can move on now. I can’t let myself drown in someone who doesn’t deserve me. I can’t hold on to something that was maybe never even there. I can’t hope anymore – I don’t want to hope anymore.
Although I’m left wondering what could’ve happened and how he really felt for me, I’m content at the realization that the truth about love is that there is no fairy tale to it. However cliche it may sound, love hurts. It’s a sacrifice you have to take, a dive into a cliff. Love isn’t painless and wonderful like all the Barbie movies. There is hardships through it and before you find that someone who’ll love you forever, you must learn to love yourself. Learn to protect yourself from those who’ll harm you and rip you to pieces. Learn to put yourself as a priority – because loving yourself and learning to take care of yourself is the only way to truly find love.

I may have been in love with him, maybe not.

One thing’s for sure – he’ll always be a major part of me and I can’t change that no matter what. I’ll still love him, and I’ll only stop hating him the day I fall out of love with him.The sad thing is, if I keep pining and hoping, by that time that I fall out of love, I’ll have ruined all of me. And I can’t let that happen anymore. When that day comes, the day I can let go and forgive him, I don’t know when, maybe I can find true love.

“I’ll probably stop hating you until the day I stop being in love with you. By then, I’ll have ruined all of me.”

-041707-

Bad Boy look

Every single girl says they want a good guy – someone with a future, who’ll treat them nice, give them what they want, buy flowers on Valentine’s Day, get gifts on birthdays and never forget anniversaries. Women say they want someone who won’t hurt them and leave them and will care for them. It’s every little girl’s dream. To meet a good guy, get married, settle down and be with each other for the rest of their lives. As opposed to someone who’ll forget birthdays, get mad for nothing, go crazy for jealousy and will have you crazy mad daily, women should naturally choose the good men. So why do the ladies still pick the bad guys over the good guys?

The mystery behind it all lies in a woman’s desire for adventure – oh and the nature of man to actually like pain to gain. No matter how much women deny it, they love the thrill and adventure of being with someone who can drive them crazy and endlessly mad and yet can make them realize that there is a love worth fighting for. Wonder why Shan Cai chose arrogant, childish, hard-headed Dao Ming Se over sweet, sensible, sensitive Hua Ze Lei in Meteor Garden? It’s for the simple reason that while she may feel at home, safe and relaxed in Hua Ze Lei’s arms, she preferred someone who’d give her thrill and adventurous love like the one Dao Ming Se had.

Aside from all the Koreanovela talk, it’s true. Women prefer a relationship that would be exciting, new, adventurous, romantic and interesting all the time. They want to fight over petty things and then kiss and make up, they want to travel and enjoy life with someone who also has an open mind, they want life that’s free and yet they know it would give them heartbreak and pain.
No matter how much anyone tries to avoid pain in a love life, it’s highly impossible to have a perfect relationship that doesn’t go haywire once in awhile – and when you’re in a relationship, it’s best to fight for a love that you know is worth fighting for. After all, what’s the thrill of a relationship without any fights, right?

Just because women may like bad boys doesn’t necessarily mean shedding off all the good stuff. It just means that sometimes, good guys have to stretch their limits to the point that woman will finally see some spice and thrill within the beauty of good men. Soon enough, despite women’s natural attraction to guys that love black, look like gangsters and have spiked hair, they’ll be looking for someone better – and yet as interesting and adventurous as any other bad boy.

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See! I just can’t get enough of him! He really keeps my thinking caps on! I just can’t get enough of him! What do I do?????

I know from you I need to stay away
It’s my foolish heart I can’t make obey
Placing my heart on a very thin line
Wondering if you’ll ever really be mine

I don’t know what to expect from you
Wishing that my heart would finally come to
I know I deserve someone better
But for me there’s just no other

I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to say I love you so
I don’t know how I’d feel if you’d gone
I don’t know how I’d feel all alone

You play me so well
I don’t know how your words sell
Whatever you say completely blows me
The real you I refuse to see

Pinch this foolish heart of mine
And let me see how you really shine
Your playful heart I cannot fall for
Pain is something I really don’t want more

Foolish Heart
-vaughn 111309 1.07pm-

This is my 3rd poem in the Playboy Series.

It hurts to know that I am falling
Painful to realize that I keep hoping
For a love like yours, I knew too good to be true
Feeling stupid for having been mesmerized by you

I knew too well where this would end
Reality of you I thought I could bend
In the end you’re still holding a playful heart
Like the one I knew even from the start

How painful it is for me to take all the blame
Falling for him puts me at a real shame
After knowing his past and getting all the warning
My heart still went on and kept falling

I don’t know how to let go
I’m heading for a broken heart, I should know
I’m not sure how to move on
Feeling bitter at knowing it’s you who’s won

Un-mesmerize me, leave my heart alone
And please don’t peel my being to the bone
Your charming power I hope to get over
You and this pain I hope to forget forever

Un-mesmerize Me

-vaughn1.57am 111109-

He’s got the smile of such sweet lightning
And the eyes alike the stars twinkling
He’s got the charm of the warmest gentleman
And the childlike humor of no other human

He can make the room brighten with his loud laughter
My heart melting, his whole being every factor
He stands out in a room full of brilliant diamonds
My soul latching onto his soulless bonds

He’s got everything a girl may ever want to have
And the things I swore I’d never fall in love
He can probably have every girl he’d choose to go for
Whatever number they may be, they’d even want more

He looks like Christmas – so beautiful and so fair
Underneath it all, he could be your worst nightmare
He can hurt you like you never thought you could
And break your heart into pieces, depending on his mood

He can look you in the eye and tell you such sweet things
And later find out these are not his real feelings
He’s the most beautiful devil there is
His claws beneath his wings we all miss

I fall anyway for this devil in disguise
Falling and believing in his angelic lies

The Playboy
-vaughn 1.27am 111009-

I really like this series. I haven’t been writing like this continuously in a long time. The problem is, if I continue like this, it’ll only get worse in real time. Ugh. I feel like a drink. A heavy drink. Or clubbing.