How can you hate and love a guy so much at the same time? I have no idea. But I certainly can.
“Would you be my girlfriend?”
3 years ago, on April 17, 2007 2:30am in the morning, he and I became an item.
So here, in the Philippines being an item is kind of big – you’re either together or not and if you’re together then, it’s a big deal, there’s monthsaries and anniversaries and all that romantic crap.
So in 2007, I was majorly in love with him. We began as friends actually around 2005, I think, until our 7 hour talks on the phone all night and comforting each other through rough times with my then-boyfriend and his then-girlfriend, turned us into something more. We never really admitted it then that we were falling for each other but it was like we already knew. So I felt a connection with him, like I never did with any other guy. We felt so comfortable with each other it was like I could talk to him about anything and everything. He became my best friend and my crying shoulder for my then-boyfriend.
After we started openly telling everyone around us that we had feelings for each other (but we never told each other directly), I wanted us to work out. I wanted to be with him, because he made me want to be a better person, made me happy and content. You know, the kind of fairy tales only children believe.
With him, I never questioned what love was about. You should read most of my poems. He inspired them! I write better when I’m with him. I believed if we had a chance to grow, we’d last. That was how big my faith was on us. I could still remember everything that happened between us – our first kiss, exact date – February 19, 2007 – the only special kiss I can recall.The kiss that I thought would bind us for a lifetime.
In the end, I’m not sure what hurt most, my disappointment or my broken heart.
Some time after we became an item, I wanted to believe we were okay. I wanted so bad to believe we were okay. That we were going to last long.
And then… we lost contact. Just like that. As simple as that. He no longer texted, called, visited. I was heart broken for months. Years to be exact. I turned down every guy who asked me out because I believed he’d come back to me. I believed he’d come back. I really did. Tell me I’m an idiot and I’d tell you I’m stupid.
I cried so much for him, hoped he’d come back. Everything I did to forget him and I never completely got over him.
So imagine my surprise, 3 years later, barely moved on, he returns, calling and texting me again (stupid me for falling so quick and giving him my number).
On January 27, 2010, almost midnight, I choked when he asked me the same question that had me missing the fun in about half of my teen life.
“Would you be my girlfriend?”
I didn’t know whether I should cry with happiness – because the one thing that I had pined for for so long is finally happening – or with anger – for even thinking that he’d can put me through the same thing he had done 3 years ago.
Confused, angry and disappointed in myself, I just wanted him to go – to leave me alone so that I can move on entirely, because I know deep down inside, I deserve so much more. I just wanted it to be done. Suddenly, I regret having given him my numbers at all – or even meeting him.
I blamed myself for putting me through all this. I blame myself for even hoping. I blame myself for not moving on and falling for someone like him.
I hate him so much for making me cry. I hate him for being so weak to stand up for his feelings. I hate him for being a coward. I hate him for being so insensitive.
I hate him so much, to his gut because he is him.
And beneath it all, I hate him so much because despite everything he’s done, every pain he’s given me, I’m still in love with him – or maybe with whoever he used to be – deeply in love with the best friend who would inspire me to write and believed in me when I couldn’t. The best friend who would take care of me when I was sick and watch movies with me over the telephone. The best friend who would text and call me everyday just to see or hear from me. The best friend who wouldn’t dare lie to me.
Before he asked me again, he told me he didn’t have girlfriend. He told me he never had one after me. Little did I know, just 2 days after, was his monthsary with his current girlfriend.
I don’t know who he is anymore. I don’t know where the guy I was majorly in love with anymore. I don’t know how he could stand to hurt me again after practically ripping my heart into pieces the day we lost contact. I don’t know how he could even stand to look at me as if nothing ever happened. I don’t know how he could’ve forgotten everything that happened between us – how little respect he now had for me that made him lie to me.
I think I can move on now. I can’t let myself drown in someone who doesn’t deserve me. I can’t hold on to something that was maybe never even there. I can’t hope anymore – I don’t want to hope anymore.
Although I’m left wondering what could’ve happened and how he really felt for me, I’m content at the realization that the truth about love is that there is no fairy tale to it. However cliche it may sound, love hurts. It’s a sacrifice you have to take, a dive into a cliff. Love isn’t painless and wonderful like all the Barbie movies. There is hardships through it and before you find that someone who’ll love you forever, you must learn to love yourself. Learn to protect yourself from those who’ll harm you and rip you to pieces. Learn to put yourself as a priority – because loving yourself and learning to take care of yourself is the only way to truly find love.
I may have been in love with him, maybe not.
One thing’s for sure – he’ll always be a major part of me and I can’t change that no matter what. I’ll still love him, and I’ll only stop hating him the day I fall out of love with him.The sad thing is, if I keep pining and hoping, by that time that I fall out of love, I’ll have ruined all of me. And I can’t let that happen anymore. When that day comes, the day I can let go and forgive him, I don’t know when, maybe I can find true love.
“I’ll probably stop hating you until the day I stop being in love with you. By then, I’ll have ruined all of me.”
-041707-
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