So, I know it’s been awhile and I must have about about a million things to update this blog with, but let me start by broadcasting that I have now a mic and a headset which I can use for starting a podcast!

How cool is that right?

You’d get to hear my voice and listen to my sorrows and crappy days directly from me! I’m guessing that you wouldn’t really want to listen to crappy stuff from me all the time so I’ll try to make sure that I do my best in not boring you. How’s that?

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Lol. I just listened to someone passing my house, crying and screaming (or possibly talking too loud) about her cellphone, how important it was, how expensive it was and how “they” could do something like that. I’m guessing someone stole it.

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And after a few minutes, I heard some people talking outside that there was a few young teens who were fighting in the other street and apparently, got picked up by the police. I told you you’re gonna love my podcasts. Good night everyone.

po7.10

It was an unplanned plan. We were supposed to go to Cebu with my family and due to some schedule reasons, I ended up alone. I was excited at first and despite the rain and what seemed to be a storm I felt good about travelling alone. I arrived at the Cebu airport and asked someone to take me to some motels and hotels to stay at. I was eating and they were waiting for me. Finally when I was ready to go we took off and I was lucky enough to meet someone else who was travelling alone. We were at the balcony of one of the hotels the tricycle drivers had suggested. We were discussing it and I was suddenly feeling really good and excited about solo travelling – again. Suddenly, I saw behind the girl I was with some waves. I was wondering at first why I was seeing it. And it hit me at the point where I realized I was in danger. I was watching my dream like I was the third party, like a movie. We were there, alone, holding onto the balcony when 2 huge waves, towering just a few meters above us hit through us – me. It almost felt like nothing and I thought it was because I could swim. The next one felt like a breeze as well and I didn’t have to hold my breath. The girl I was with wasn’t having the same ease. She was turned not to the balcony’s view but to the hotel and I wondered what she was looking at. I turned around to the view I hadn’t realized was there. Right after we were hit by 2 what seemed now as two small waves, behind us was a bigger wave, not sure where it came from but it was towering above the smaller waves awhile ago and it was going to ram with the smaller one. I waited for the wave to hit me, patiently and prepared for doom. I didn’t want to die and all I could think of was how lucky I was that my family wouldn’t have to experience this and how awful it would’ve been if my family was here and my two brothers wouldn’t have survived the first two tidal waves. I watched myself from the back this time as the higher wave hit through me. It seemed endless, unlike the two earlier waves. I was breathing normally and my eyes were closed. I don’t remember any force, any force from the waves. I opened my eyes once I couldn’t feel the water anymore, only to see another even bigger wave coming up. I braced myself, heart pounding and closed my eyes – praying not for my death but for the safety of my family. Being inside the water felt so long. I waited and I waited, holding my breath, afraid to let go, afraid to not hold my breath and die. When I couldn’t hold any longer, I woke up.

I don’t know what the dream means or if it does mean anything. But with all the earthquakes, tsunami warnings and all that, I hope it doesn’t mean anything bad.

I remember I was on a jeep. I don’t remember where I was coming from, but I was the only one left in the jeep. The jeep was just turning into a place where there were bridges connecting us, like the one we had in junction; only these bridges actually overpass a river or something like that. It was night and I was really peeved when suddenly, the jeep pushed to speed and aimed for the overpass. The jeep stopped almost at the edge, but it tipped over.

Scared, I looked over at the drivers (there were two in front) who seemed as if they knew what they were doing. The jeep tipped, but not enough and went right back down to proper position. I let out a sigh of relief. But I knew it wasn’t over yet. I wanted to get out of this crazed jeep before they kill me. Psychos. Suddenly, the jeep backed out and started to head for the other side of the overpass where there was another river; awaiting. I screamed as the jeep tipped again and to my fear and shock, I saw the two drivers lift a small boy from the front seat whom I didn’t see, and threw him out the window. In my dream, I could see myself wide eyed and jaw dropped.

They looked back at me and for a split of a second I thought I was next. I didn’t think anymore and raced out the jeep, hoping they wouldn’t be pulling a gun on me. I wasn’t ready to die yet. Behind me, I heard them shout, “Wait, where are you going? He’s useless anyway!”

And then the scene changed over to me at home on the internet. I felt people and then I looked out to see someone climbing over our terrace. I screamed “Magnanakaw!” (Thief) and turned on the light. Once the light was on, the men outside quickly ran down. I went downstairs to find my brother drinking. I asked him if he knew and he told me he called Ate Lyn (our guardian). Ate Lyn came in, and said she knew and they had run seeing her. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. What was happening?

Then the scene again, changed, to my family in the car with me and my sister was driving. I’m not sure where we were or what happened, but the roads were uneven, unfamiliar and dangerous as there were cliffs everywhere! Suddenly we crashed into another car. I can’t remember whose car it was, but I know it was someone I know in real life. Our car tumbled in the air and landed on the ground in what seems like a construction site. In my mind, in my dream, I could only think of my mother who was with us. I quickly pushed open the door and went out, returning to help my mother.
My cousin was with us and she had previously mentioned that there was a rumor that a jeep had thrown a boy down the overpass. Accidentally, I said it wasn’t a rumor and that I was the only witness to it. I told them not to tell anyone as they may be looking for me.
Soon, the nurse had arrived. I’m not sure why no other paramedic was there, but I can only remember the nurse who sat down in front of us and made us line up. I stood in front of my mother and opted to have her lean on my back. Her arm was bleeding and it looked as if it had died like that with Dumbledore’s hand in the Harry Potter movies. I panicked and asked the nurse why she wouldn’t just treat us and she replied, asking why she’d need to treat us. I said my mother could be in pain and pissed off, I let my mother use my arm as support for her arm.
I can still remember my fear that we’d get hit as my sister was so scared driving. I remember she was screaming because she didn’t know the way and was unfamiliar with the road and it seemed as if she couldn’t get the car to slow down. I remember the fear that someone was coming after me, whoever had thrown the boy down the overpass and was now onto me.

And then I woke up, lips dry, eyes wet and heart pounding.

How can you hate and love a guy so much at the same time? I have no idea. But I certainly can.

“Would you be my girlfriend?”

3 years ago, on April 17, 2007 2:30am in the morning, he and I became an item.
So here, in the Philippines being an item is kind of big – you’re either together or not and if you’re together then, it’s a big deal, there’s monthsaries and anniversaries and all that romantic crap.
So in 2007, I was majorly in love with him. We began as friends actually around 2005, I think, until our 7 hour talks on the phone all night and comforting each other through rough times with my then-boyfriend and his then-girlfriend, turned us into something more. We never really admitted it then that we were falling for each other but it was like we already knew. So I felt a connection with him, like I never did with any other guy. We felt so comfortable with each other it was like I could talk to him about anything and everything. He became my best friend and my crying shoulder for my then-boyfriend.
After we started openly telling everyone around us that we had feelings for each other (but we never told each other directly), I wanted us to work out. I wanted to be with him, because he made me want to be a better person, made me happy and content. You know, the kind of fairy tales only children believe.
With him, I never questioned what love was about. You should read most of my poems. He inspired them! I write better when I’m with him. I believed if we had a chance to grow, we’d last. That was how big my faith was on us. I could still remember everything that happened between us – our first kiss, exact date – February 19, 2007 – the only special kiss I can recall.The kiss that I thought would bind us for a lifetime.

In the end, I’m not sure what hurt most, my disappointment or my broken heart.
Some time after we became an item, I wanted to believe we were okay. I wanted so bad to believe we were okay. That we were going to last long.

And then… we lost contact. Just like that. As simple as that. He no longer texted, called, visited. I was heart broken for months. Years to be exact. I turned down every guy who asked me out because I believed he’d come back to me. I believed he’d come back. I really did. Tell me I’m an idiot and I’d tell you I’m stupid.
I cried so much for him, hoped he’d come back. Everything I did to forget him and I never completely got over him.

So imagine my surprise, 3 years later, barely moved on, he returns, calling and texting me again (stupid me for falling so quick and giving him my number).
On January 27, 2010, almost midnight, I choked when he asked me the same question that had me missing the fun in about half of my teen life.

“Would you be my girlfriend?”

I didn’t know whether I should cry with happiness – because the one thing that I had pined for for so long is finally happening – or with anger – for even thinking that he’d can put me through the same thing he had done 3 years ago.

Confused, angry and disappointed in myself, I just wanted him to go – to leave me alone so that I can move on entirely, because I know deep down inside, I deserve so much more. I just wanted it to be done. Suddenly, I regret having given him my numbers at all – or even meeting him.

I blamed myself for putting me through all this. I blame myself for even hoping. I blame myself for not moving on and falling for someone like him.

I hate him so much for making me cry. I hate him for being so weak to stand up for his feelings. I hate him for being a coward. I hate him for being so insensitive.

I hate him so much, to his gut because he is him.

And beneath it all, I hate him so much because despite everything he’s done, every pain he’s given me, I’m still in love with him – or maybe with whoever he used to be – deeply in love with the best friend who would inspire me to write and believed in me when I couldn’t. The best friend who would take care of me when I was sick and watch movies with me over the telephone. The best friend who would text and call me everyday just to see or hear from me. The best friend who wouldn’t dare lie to me.

Before he asked me again, he told me he didn’t have girlfriend. He told me he never had one after me. Little did I know, just 2 days after, was his monthsary with his current girlfriend.

I don’t know who he is anymore. I don’t know where the guy I was majorly in love with anymore. I don’t know how he could stand to hurt me again after practically ripping my heart into pieces the day we lost contact. I don’t know how he could even stand to look at me as if nothing ever happened. I don’t know how he could’ve forgotten everything that happened between us – how little respect he now had for me that made him lie to me.

I think I can move on now. I can’t let myself drown in someone who doesn’t deserve me. I can’t hold on to something that was maybe never even there. I can’t hope anymore – I don’t want to hope anymore.
Although I’m left wondering what could’ve happened and how he really felt for me, I’m content at the realization that the truth about love is that there is no fairy tale to it. However cliche it may sound, love hurts. It’s a sacrifice you have to take, a dive into a cliff. Love isn’t painless and wonderful like all the Barbie movies. There is hardships through it and before you find that someone who’ll love you forever, you must learn to love yourself. Learn to protect yourself from those who’ll harm you and rip you to pieces. Learn to put yourself as a priority – because loving yourself and learning to take care of yourself is the only way to truly find love.

I may have been in love with him, maybe not.

One thing’s for sure – he’ll always be a major part of me and I can’t change that no matter what. I’ll still love him, and I’ll only stop hating him the day I fall out of love with him.The sad thing is, if I keep pining and hoping, by that time that I fall out of love, I’ll have ruined all of me. And I can’t let that happen anymore. When that day comes, the day I can let go and forgive him, I don’t know when, maybe I can find true love.

“I’ll probably stop hating you until the day I stop being in love with you. By then, I’ll have ruined all of me.”

-041707-

Translation:

Top Lies of Men

• I promise, I won’t ever leave you.
• I don’t have other textmates.
• I’m with my friends.
• You’re the only one.
• She’s just a friend.
• I don’t have load.
• I won’t exchange you for anyone else.
• I forgot about her already.
• I miss you.
• I love you.

No. 1 Lie of Girls

“I believe you”

Thoughts? Want to add more lies? Violent reactions? Comments?

I’d say the No.1 Lie of girls is kinda true. We always doubt. It’s in our blood and instincts.