I have to admit, I have a thing for 17s. I kind of have some memories with it so sometimes every 17th of the month, I get inspired. This is the last of my depression poems – for now – hopefully. At this point, I was better but I was just so tired at that point. I actually didn’t have any title for this poem so the title is in fact, the whole post’s title.

Blinking the tears I lay awake
Falling asleep, suddenly not a piece of cake
Lying here, memories fill my mind
All the happiness and pain seem to unwind

What’s become of me I know not
My inner being’s starting to rot
I search to find who I may be
The search to nowhere starting to bite in me

The feeling I’m lost is freaking me out
No idea anymore of what everything’s about
Feeling like a 3rd person in my own story
The movie’s playing such an endless tragedy

The urge to move and take control of my life
Draining slowly, tired and beat in strife
Yet I live on I still breathe
The reason I seek is something I must heed

Who I am, I may not yet know
Still life goes on, I have time to grow
My life may be a hard and playful adventure
To seek truth, this I must endure

07-17-07 12.05am

This is one of my favorite poems. I think it was the first I wrote about what I was feeling which is why its quite brutally honest. I never showed this poem to anyone before especially not my family – they’d probably freak. Anyway, I’m a hell of a mess – until now – but I guess I like me that way. =) This poem was written about 2 years ago and since I don’t really have any pics to go with it, I’ll include a pic on my birthday of this year. I wrote this only about 12 days from my birthday at that time. And no. I don’t feel this way anymore.

Pic taken on my 19th Birthday

God forgive me for what I’ve been thinking
A blade in sight is so appealing
I cry now, losing all of me
Not knowing how much I left for free

Keep me now, keep me unfolded
Help me, because it’s what I’ve dreaded
So tempting, a crime indeed
The devil awaiting, my soul’s in bid

Strengthen me now
My faith’s all gone
Love’s such a tired word
I’m losing all my fighting sword

Eyes swollen, tears run dry
Heavy breathing, I don’t know why
Pain, emptiness and loneliness I feel so deep
A cliff I see, so good, yet steep…

12.10am March 18, 2007

So of course this is just a continuation of my depression poems so don’t panic, this happened years ago. Alrighty then? I added one of my “stolen” pictures for additional pleasure. Lmao. I’m kidding.

My hands shake continuously
My tears running down my cheeks
It’s all unstoppable
I don’t know why for which reason
I’m feeling so empty tonight

Open and wide wounds are there
Bleeding, painfully striking, it’s all so clear
What is it that’s so painful
With every wound I feel
Seems times a million

Why so empty
What have I done to feel this way
So strong, so steady I was
Still the inner demon in me called my name
Breathing, uneasy, how death is so appealing

I cry now knowing what I’d been thinking
Knees shaking, hands clamped
A heart stabbed and torn in pieces
And a soul shared by many
Take me now, Lord, because I’m all gone…

11.10pm March 17, 2007

Hurting and torn because of my own dumb ways
Crying, dying, failing in so much agony
Yet I see how weak I’ve become
The immaturity in me driving me deep
Lower, lower into my own cliff
I hold on for my own sake
Weakness of my being is becoming a mistake.

Driving myself crazy, thinking of everything that’s done
The thought of the loser I am
Seeping slowly into my veins
Biting deep into the bones of my skeleton
Leaving nothing to spare
The storm of consequences will soon come to rain
Its inevitability is driving me insane.

6am, March 18, 2007

Numb

Because I’m dying inside
And it’s not easy to hide
I don’t know what to feel
Losing grip of everything that’s real

I’m going numb right now
Enjoying seeing my blood flow
Realizing how the pain has bit into me
Needing so much strength for me to be set free

Consequences I am bound to face
Fear swallows me up in so many ways
Love has lost its real meaning
Death, a word to describe each feeling.

5.32am, March 18, 2007