It’s been quite some time since I last wrote on a blog. I kind of miss it. I miss being able to write. I used to love writing. I was passionate about writing. I don’t really know what happened. Since I started college I’ve been quite aloof. I’m not satisfied with how this school year ended. I barely made it to the dean’s lister. I guess I rested too much. I miss the times I used to have in high school when I felt I had an actual edge among the others. Now, I don’t know where that part of me had gone. I’m kind of scared. I don’t know how I’ll do this coming year. I’ve been given a second chance at this great school I took for granted. I want to prove I can. But it’s a little scary. What if I fail? What if I can’t make it? What if my parents had been right all along that I should have transferred to Nursing? I want to know I made the right decision. But its a little hard to tell. My parents and I aren’t on very good terms right now. I’ve never been really close to them. They don’t know me as well as I know them. They don’t get me at all. But of course, I love them. It just feels a little lonely sometimes. After all, they are my parents. They should be the people who understand me the most. In my opinion, the life they want for me is a life where I am successful in the future, but maybe someday, regretting that I didn’t live up to the kind of life I wanted. I don’t really want a life with no problems. That would be boring.
Wow, it feels good to write. Last night when I was on the computer, I had a sudden pull to write. I don’t know why I didn’t. I think I’m scared of getting a sudden pull to write again. Since that tragic day in 2006 (don’t ask) I haven’t written again. Well, maybe I have. But not in the same way I used to. I miss it. I sometimes think why in the world did I give it up in the first place? I don’t really know why anymore. I don’t regret it though. I’m happy. Not happy happy. But satisfied. Is that enough? I don’t know. I have time anyway. I still have a lot of time left. I guess it just depends on me next.
What should I do if everything doesn’t go back to normal? Okay, I know I sound weird and I’m probably confusing you. I’ll tell you someday what I mean. Should I quit school and start working? Should I stop? At least a semester? Ouch. Thinking about it already hurts. What more if I did that? Not only will I lose 6 months. But I’ll lose a lot of very important (things)(people) as well. I won’t lose them totally. But I’ll be aloof from them. I’ll change. Maybe I’ll get attracted to money, and never come back to school. What if that happened? That’s a real shame on me. I really like studying. Although sometimes I’m lazy and all, I do love studying and I’ve always thought of studying again once I graduated. Sometimes I think I don’t have enough confidence in myself. I mean, I think it really. It’s sad that I don’t have enough confidence. I’ve been thinking about this a while now. I’ve been blaming my parents for the lack of confidence in myself. I know, I’m probably just crazy and all. But still. It’s sad. I know my abilities. But they say so many things to make me doubt myself. I hate that. That’s actually why I can never really get along with them. Sad I know. I miss my old self. The one in high school, who laughs till she cries. Is funny and makes jokes. Has an aura where she makes a lot of people happy. That person. I don’t know. I guess teenhood happened. Moods changed, maturity happened. Love happened. So did pain. Am I sappy? Yeah, I thought so too. This is depressing. Haha. I just want to be sure everything will be okay. But no one can really assure that except me.
I need money. I really do. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t get any part time jobs that would be okay with my schedule. I’m getting pissed of already. I thought having a morning shift could get me an evening job. But then, when I went to that company yesterday, they had day shifts for part time which is a never! It was really depressing. I’d gone to such a far place for nothing. Then I remember when I was riding in the tricycle. I was thinking how far I’d gone. I’ve already had 2 interviews! Two years back, I’d probably never even be thinking of going on one! Now look at me? Haha.So maybe I have grown. Then I also remembered the many times I had given to the homeless. Not that I count it. I did want to give it. Am I really that bad a person as my parents think I’m becoming? I know I’m not. I just hope I can keep up this strength I have right now that I don’t really know where it’s coming from.
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