Queen Biyachessa

Hurting and torn because of my own dumb ways
Crying, dying, failing in so much agony
Yet I see how weak I’ve become
The immaturity in me driving me deep
Lower, lower into my own cliff
I hold on for my own sake
Weakness of my being is becoming a mistake.

Driving myself crazy, thinking of everything that’s done
The thought of the loser I am
Seeping slowly into my veins
Biting deep into the bones of my skeleton
Leaving nothing to spare
The storm of consequences will soon come to rain
Its inevitability is driving me insane.

6am, March 18, 2007

Numb

Because I’m dying inside
And it’s not easy to hide
I don’t know what to feel
Losing grip of everything that’s real

I’m going numb right now
Enjoying seeing my blood flow
Realizing how the pain has bit into me
Needing so much strength for me to be set free

Consequences I am bound to face
Fear swallows me up in so many ways
Love has lost its real meaning
Death, a word to describe each feeling.

5.32am, March 18, 2007

Sometimes I feel I cry more than I smile. Is that weird?

I’ve never really been this open about this part of my life before. Actually, no one in my family knows. But it was a big part of my life. I have this tendency to close up when I know that I may hurt my family or may get them worried.

It’s kind of a long story though, but I don’t regret it, because it’s given me some deep inspiration when it comes to my poetry. Anyway, I’m not sure when it started, but I guess it must’ve begun about 2 or 3 years ago.

I was already a mess then, had lots of issues, I grew up kind of alone, my parents were abroad, my sister off to college, so my high school days consisted of me coming home to an empty house all the time. I caved into pressure and too much expectations, I was always crying, I got kinda crazed and all, I was half an alcoholic, got hit by a motorcycle, got traumatized, had school problems and self-doubts and I had too much of destructive relationships.

So, then, I had myself checked up (saved my own money, while working as a freelance writer) and I was diagnosed with Major Depression on March 25, 2009. Yes, I know, pretty recent. The doctor kind of said I should have had myself checked out earlier and all, but at least I did.

That part of my life, I felt so lonely because no one knew and I didn’t dare tell them. Hello, it was already hard enough admitting it to myself, it was even harder telling other people that I was some kind of crazed person. Although everyone always thought I was crazy, they never thought of me as deranged (I wasn’t. Just depressed).

The doctor advised me to tell my family and I couldn’t. I guess it’s because I was scared. I think I told my sister but she kind of dismissed it. I don’t blame her. I’m kind of a real bitch and I can be such a crybaby sometimes so, you know, I could’ve sounded like a spoiled brat just then. I didn’t pursue the subject anymore. I took my meds, kind of got busted by it when my parents found the pills, but I wasn’t ready to tell them yet (my father asked me while driving me off to school – hello, I didn’t really want to go to school, crying or anything).

If you’re wondering why it’s easier to blog about it than talk to my family about it, I guess it’s because my readers won’t be able to look me in the eyes with pity or disappointment. They won’t be able to judge me, because, they don’t know it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family dearly and I hope one day, they’d get to see the real me. I guess I just have this weird wall around me – you know from growing up kind of alone.

Anyway, no more elaborating that kind of heavy drama of my life. I just wanted to give an explanation for my next set of poems. These poems were written about 2 years ago. I was the messiest at that time. Felt empty, so down, low self-esteem and I was just really depressed at that time.

I love these poems because they’re my most honest depiction of my feelings, they’re real and they were written at a brutally honest POV. They also remind me of the times when I was such a mess. These poems remind me how important writing is to me and how poetry is one of my best ways to speak out my emotions, because frankly, the language part of my brain – the one of speaking out emotions – is kind of not working anymore.

Sorry if its too honest though. But relax, people. I’m not suicidal. I hope you like them (well – not the depressive part) and enjoy the innermost crazy part of me. =)

Lmao. Don't laugh. It's an emo pose.

Okay, so this poem is a 6 part poem, it’s actually meant for a college group of friends I used to have. When I fell into depression some time ago, they all disappeared. It’s not that I have bad feelings or anything, I guess I’ve moved on. I wrote this one time, when I realized that there wasn’t really anything to look forward to in them. I thought I had to explain and I’m not very good with words so I wrote it in a poem. Anyway we don’t have contact anymore and I’m kind of glad. They’re like this drug or something, and I have to admit I really do care about them. It just really hurts that they don’t seem to care the same way about me and I’m not yet ready to forgive them for disappearing on me when I needed them the most. So, I realized it was over and I just wanted to move on from them, I kind of cut the communication.

I don’t regret being friends with them though. I still remember many of our memories, I was just done with all the lies and pretentious stuff.

My group of friends now.

I love them and I thank you for being such good friends.

All the more thankful to those friends who’ve stuck by me ever since high school, I love you guys so much. Especially to all my Antiox family, BBS family, and Tohts. =)

Gem Dilag and I

Kristel Figueroa and I

I
I used to think I was a part of a circle
A friendship that sprung from a single interest.
Days went by and I was so sure
We’d be together holding a friendship so pure.

But then I hit a low point in life
I longed for someone to help me in strife
No one came, none from the group
Devastated, I felt like a doop.

I waited for long, I waited too long
I wondered why none even tried
Was the circle a lie?
Or was the friendship meant to die?

I then realized, the moment I became me
I was never a part of them
I was never a part of that circle
I was not an outsider, yet not on the inside.

I don’t blame them for never coming.
I won’t blame them for never realizing.
I don’t blame them for laughing.
Nor am I doing this to make them feel guilty.

II
After all this years, yes, it was meant to be
I don’t regret the times I spent
But now, I don’t remember why I was there
There was a link but not so strong.

I just had to tell the circle and its bind
To keep alive and keep on going
I was never a part of this circle
Simply because they never got to know the real me.

They all have the same interests, the goals, the laughter
And at that time, I never had.
Now I do, and they don’t know
I was never with them and they never knew me.

It’s sad to end a friendship that could have been
It’s even sadder to pretend there was ever one
No blames, no claims, no cries, no more lies
I’ve lost the circle, and I don’t belong in it anymore.

No cries, no drama, it’s just the truth.
We were binded by the single goal
Now, there’s nothing to bind
Nothing to hold.

III
It’s not a goodbye, it’s just a wake up call
I know you’re busy, but I just needed to say
Maybe in time, when no one’s plastic, and everyone cares.
Maybe in time, when no one’s scared and no one’s different.

Maybe in time, we’ll be real friends again.
Maybe in time, when everything’s well for everyone.
Maybe in time, our Pangasinan trip will actually happen.
Maybe, when you’ve finally met the real me.

You don’t get it, I know you don’t.
Pondering, you must be thinking I’m drunk and all.
No beers, no tears, just a moment of truth and frank.
Too bad, it’s not the case anymore.

IV
She’s so plastic, I can see through her.
He’s such a flirt, yet he thinks he’s a good boy.
He thinks he’s so cool, but inside, he’s just an ordinary kid
She’s so high class, her past can be a bother.
Everyone thinks she’s great and all,
But when her friends fall down and crawl,
She’s gone like the wind
Unless she’s got a problem of her own.
He’s hiding a secret and doesn’t want anyone to know
But he’s so transparent and yet trusts the wrong people
For social’s sake and for the sake of love.
He’s so silent, but he’s hiding himself.
He’s so simple, yet dreams so big.
The other speaks English so well
He’s changed to get into the circle
But he knows what he wants and refuses to see
She’s such a kid, but you never know.
She’s a better person yet, doesn’t have a clue.
He’s a cool guy, yet he tries too hard.
He’s got the looks but too much of a good boy
And the last, found someone yet seems to still be in search.

V
I may be right, I may be wrong.
That’s what I saw the last I was there.
Do you even remember the date?
Because I don’t.

I don’t want to remember anymore
The times we shared, those fake smiles, and backstabbing lies
I don’t want to remember anymore
The laughter, the teases, the sweet pictures taken.
I don’t want to remember anymore
Not because it’s wrong
But it’s a part of me, that’s not supposed to be.
I don’t want to remember anymore
The days I spent studying for that stupid test
I don’t want to remember anymore
The pain I felt with that red circle.
I’m letting go of all the pain I felt
The person I was, the person I wasn’t supposed to be
That was she, in the almost 2 years we spent.

Now, she’s gone. You won’t find her here.
She’s ready to move on.
She’s ready to stand up
She’s ready to go…
And she’s ready to let go…

VI
It’s not a good bye, it’s just a wake up call
To tell you what you should know.
To give you a chance to understand
What happened and where’d your friend go.

I wrote this poem about two years ago, I was in a destructive relationship. I think I was more into that person because I simply liked the idea of being in love. I don’t really remember what happened that night that I wrote this poem. I must’ve been drunk or something, but I probably was in a low point in my life. Anyway, at 17 at that time, my parents didn’t want me to have a boyfriend and all that, so when I was in that relationship, I was so scared that my parents would do something about us again that I simply wanted to take the out road (break up). It was easier than having to keep facing my parents’ and feel guilty. It’s even got a date and the name of the guy I used to date (I just typed this out of my notebook).

Young Love and Break ups

Without a doubt I’m so in love
With you I found more than I have
Now I don’t know what to face
With me I think it’s such a big case.

I feel I’m so immature
Now I don’t know what’s in the future
Deeply in love I don’t know what’s with you
You is all I see, and that’s all so true.

Never been so serious before in life
So in love, yet so much in strife
Falling more, I don’t know why
Holding back my feelings is too much of a lie.

I don’t want to see you hurt
Too much of me, so little of my worth
I love you so, can’t you see all this?
Loving you is too much of a sinful bliss.

11.06pm, March 21, 2007
-jherson-

Young Love

I think when you’re in such a young age, you can make decisions simply out of how you’re feeling. The fact is, when you’re too young, too immature, too self-absorbed, you don’t think about consequences, and all you want is that happy, loving feeling that you can’t really have unless you know who you are and you’ve achieved what you want in life. You think you’re in love, you want to be with this person, but in the end, when you’re at a point in your life when there’s more to life than being in love, you realize that the feeling of love is not really enough to last a lifetime. That’s when you finally know that maybe you’re not really that in love after all. And I think that’s because you don’t know who you are yet and you haven’t established or achieved anything for yourself yet.