I remember I was on a jeep. I don’t remember where I was coming from, but I was the only one left in the jeep. The jeep was just turning into a place where there were bridges connecting us, like the one we had in junction; only these bridges actually overpass a river or something like that. It was night and I was really peeved when suddenly, the jeep pushed to speed and aimed for the overpass. The jeep stopped almost at the edge, but it tipped over.
Scared, I looked over at the drivers (there were two in front) who seemed as if they knew what they were doing. The jeep tipped, but not enough and went right back down to proper position. I let out a sigh of relief. But I knew it wasn’t over yet. I wanted to get out of this crazed jeep before they kill me. Psychos. Suddenly, the jeep backed out and started to head for the other side of the overpass where there was another river; awaiting. I screamed as the jeep tipped again and to my fear and shock, I saw the two drivers lift a small boy from the front seat whom I didn’t see, and threw him out the window. In my dream, I could see myself wide eyed and jaw dropped.
They looked back at me and for a split of a second I thought I was next. I didn’t think anymore and raced out the jeep, hoping they wouldn’t be pulling a gun on me. I wasn’t ready to die yet. Behind me, I heard them shout, “Wait, where are you going? He’s useless anyway!”
And then the scene changed over to me at home on the internet. I felt people and then I looked out to see someone climbing over our terrace. I screamed “Magnanakaw!” (Thief) and turned on the light. Once the light was on, the men outside quickly ran down. I went downstairs to find my brother drinking. I asked him if he knew and he told me he called Ate Lyn (our guardian). Ate Lyn came in, and said she knew and they had run seeing her. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. What was happening?
Then the scene again, changed, to my family in the car with me and my sister was driving. I’m not sure where we were or what happened, but the roads were uneven, unfamiliar and dangerous as there were cliffs everywhere! Suddenly we crashed into another car. I can’t remember whose car it was, but I know it was someone I know in real life. Our car tumbled in the air and landed on the ground in what seems like a construction site. In my mind, in my dream, I could only think of my mother who was with us. I quickly pushed open the door and went out, returning to help my mother.
My cousin was with us and she had previously mentioned that there was a rumor that a jeep had thrown a boy down the overpass. Accidentally, I said it wasn’t a rumor and that I was the only witness to it. I told them not to tell anyone as they may be looking for me.
Soon, the nurse had arrived. I’m not sure why no other paramedic was there, but I can only remember the nurse who sat down in front of us and made us line up. I stood in front of my mother and opted to have her lean on my back. Her arm was bleeding and it looked as if it had died like that with Dumbledore’s hand in the Harry Potter movies. I panicked and asked the nurse why she wouldn’t just treat us and she replied, asking why she’d need to treat us. I said my mother could be in pain and pissed off, I let my mother use my arm as support for her arm.
I can still remember my fear that we’d get hit as my sister was so scared driving. I remember she was screaming because she didn’t know the way and was unfamiliar with the road and it seemed as if she couldn’t get the car to slow down. I remember the fear that someone was coming after me, whoever had thrown the boy down the overpass and was now onto me.
And then I woke up, lips dry, eyes wet and heart pounding.
How can you hate and love a guy so much at the same time? I have no idea. But I certainly can.
“Would you be my girlfriend?”
3 years ago, on April 17, 2007 2:30am in the morning, he and I became an item.
So here, in the Philippines being an item is kind of big – you’re either together or not and if you’re together then, it’s a big deal, there’s monthsaries and anniversaries and all that romantic crap.
So in 2007, I was majorly in love with him. We began as friends actually around 2005, I think, until our 7 hour talks on the phone all night and comforting each other through rough times with my then-boyfriend and his then-girlfriend, turned us into something more. We never really admitted it then that we were falling for each other but it was like we already knew. So I felt a connection with him, like I never did with any other guy. We felt so comfortable with each other it was like I could talk to him about anything and everything. He became my best friend and my crying shoulder for my then-boyfriend.
After we started openly telling everyone around us that we had feelings for each other (but we never told each other directly), I wanted us to work out. I wanted to be with him, because he made me want to be a better person, made me happy and content. You know, the kind of fairy tales only children believe.
With him, I never questioned what love was about. You should read most of my poems. He inspired them! I write better when I’m with him. I believed if we had a chance to grow, we’d last. That was how big my faith was on us. I could still remember everything that happened between us – our first kiss, exact date – February 19, 2007 – the only special kiss I can recall.The kiss that I thought would bind us for a lifetime.
In the end, I’m not sure what hurt most, my disappointment or my broken heart.
Some time after we became an item, I wanted to believe we were okay. I wanted so bad to believe we were okay. That we were going to last long.
And then… we lost contact. Just like that. As simple as that. He no longer texted, called, visited. I was heart broken for months. Years to be exact. I turned down every guy who asked me out because I believed he’d come back to me. I believed he’d come back. I really did. Tell me I’m an idiot and I’d tell you I’m stupid.
I cried so much for him, hoped he’d come back. Everything I did to forget him and I never completely got over him.
So imagine my surprise, 3 years later, barely moved on, he returns, calling and texting me again (stupid me for falling so quick and giving him my number).
On January 27, 2010, almost midnight, I choked when he asked me the same question that had me missing the fun in about half of my teen life.
“Would you be my girlfriend?”
I didn’t know whether I should cry with happiness – because the one thing that I had pined for for so long is finally happening – or with anger – for even thinking that he’d can put me through the same thing he had done 3 years ago.
Confused, angry and disappointed in myself, I just wanted him to go – to leave me alone so that I can move on entirely, because I know deep down inside, I deserve so much more. I just wanted it to be done. Suddenly, I regret having given him my numbers at all – or even meeting him.
I blamed myself for putting me through all this. I blame myself for even hoping. I blame myself for not moving on and falling for someone like him.
I hate him so much for making me cry. I hate him for being so weak to stand up for his feelings. I hate him for being a coward. I hate him for being so insensitive.
I hate him so much, to his gut because he is him.
And beneath it all, I hate him so much because despite everything he’s done, every pain he’s given me, I’m still in love with him – or maybe with whoever he used to be – deeply in love with the best friend who would inspire me to write and believed in me when I couldn’t. The best friend who would take care of me when I was sick and watch movies with me over the telephone. The best friend who would text and call me everyday just to see or hear from me. The best friend who wouldn’t dare lie to me.
Before he asked me again, he told me he didn’t have girlfriend. He told me he never had one after me. Little did I know, just 2 days after, was his monthsary with his current girlfriend.
I don’t know who he is anymore. I don’t know where the guy I was majorly in love with anymore. I don’t know how he could stand to hurt me again after practically ripping my heart into pieces the day we lost contact. I don’t know how he could even stand to look at me as if nothing ever happened. I don’t know how he could’ve forgotten everything that happened between us – how little respect he now had for me that made him lie to me.
I think I can move on now. I can’t let myself drown in someone who doesn’t deserve me. I can’t hold on to something that was maybe never even there. I can’t hope anymore – I don’t want to hope anymore.
Although I’m left wondering what could’ve happened and how he really felt for me, I’m content at the realization that the truth about love is that there is no fairy tale to it. However cliche it may sound, love hurts. It’s a sacrifice you have to take, a dive into a cliff. Love isn’t painless and wonderful like all the Barbie movies. There is hardships through it and before you find that someone who’ll love you forever, you must learn to love yourself. Learn to protect yourself from those who’ll harm you and rip you to pieces. Learn to put yourself as a priority – because loving yourself and learning to take care of yourself is the only way to truly find love.
I may have been in love with him, maybe not.
One thing’s for sure – he’ll always be a major part of me and I can’t change that no matter what. I’ll still love him, and I’ll only stop hating him the day I fall out of love with him.The sad thing is, if I keep pining and hoping, by that time that I fall out of love, I’ll have ruined all of me. And I can’t let that happen anymore. When that day comes, the day I can let go and forgive him, I don’t know when, maybe I can find true love.
“I’ll probably stop hating you until the day I stop being in love with you. By then, I’ll have ruined all of me.”
-041707-
My parents left today. They’re going back to Papua New Guinea for their work.
They’ve done this many times before but I never can seem to get used to it. Years back, when they first brought us here to the Philippines and then they had to leave us here, we – my sister and I who were then 12 and 15 I think – would cry so much before they left. I’d try to swallow hard to prevent the tears from coming every time I saw my mother packing, I’d even leave quickly to go to school so I didn’t have to see her put stuff in her luggage; and yet, I would still find myself sobbing – before they leave and even more after they’ve gone inside the airport. They’ve done this so many times in the 7 years I’ve been here in the Philippines, and I still haven’t gotten used to it. Even if I’m already 19 and all, I still feel so lonely every time they leave. Is that the after effects of having grown in an empty house? I’m more mature now, I’m sure, but even if this is like, their 3rd time to leave in a year and knowing they’d be back in March (my brother’s graduation), I still feel like the first time they had to leave us here. It still doesn’t feel regular or like I’ve done it before. I try to tell myself that I wouldn’t cry that they’d be back in March and 2 months shouldn’t be that hard, but I just can’t help the fact that even in that 2 months, I’ll still be missing them. I already do and they haven’t even been away for more than 30 minutes. It’s so hard having to have parents away from you. The effects seem forever and I don’t actually know how to fix me – or it.
Being away from your parents makes you miss a lot of stuff, their guidance, their love, their help in problems; when your parents aren’t there, you won’t have stuff like that. You can grow up with a lot of problems – in commitment, loyalty, family, priorities and all that, because they’re not there for you. I don’t blame my parents, it is after all, for our own good that they have to go.
But to those who hate their parents, to those who wish their parents are gone, to those who disrespect and fool their parents; don’t take them for granted. Our parents are the people responsible for us and however disfunctional they may prove to be, you need them and they need you. Stop thinking that your parents are against you, there’s more to them than you realize; they’re human too and there’s more to their love than you realize.
So love them like there’s no tomorrow. Love them because they gave you life. Love them, because they care enough to do something for you. Love them, because they shout and scream at you every time you come home late or drunk. Love them, because in your worst times, they’re the only hands you can hold. Love them, not because they give you allowance and money, but because they live life for you.
Imagine living a life without someone to fight with over boys. Imagine a life without a father to hug on Father’s Day or a mother on Mother’s Day. Imagine a life without parents. It’s not easy and no matter how strong or matured you are, you owe your parents big time and unfortunately, not even billions of money can pay off the efforts of your years of growing up.
To my Mother and Father, I love you both so much. Have a safe trip to Papua New Guinea and call me. ^^
Okay, so maybe I haven’t written in a long time – alright – a very long time. You can’t blame me though. Blame my OJT and work. Bad OJT, bad work – not giving me enough time to write!
Anyway, I have decided that right after my OJT is over, I must start writing again in my website – I feel it’s getting ribbed my flies already.
That’s probably by next week, or at least after Midterms. I have so much to tell you!
I’m also going to be starting a new category here – Travel. I’ve been to some really good places this past few days and it seems like a waste if I don’t write it down for everyone else to experience right?
Anyway, I haven’t had the hang of travel blogging yet but I do hope to learn from some of the experts. I’m such a young blogger that I have so much more to learn.
By the way. Did I tell you Paramore is going to be in Manila in MARCH?? How crazy is THAT?
I am dying to go. I swear, whoever takes me to Paramore’s concert then, I will truly love and even marry and be their slave forever.
It’s been such a long time since I wrote. I kinda miss it. I hate not being able to take care of my website, I feel like I abandon it or something – which I don’t intend to do.
I still have some loyal readers though, thanks guys.
I really hope to get more good news to you guys in the next few days. I only have less than 50 hours to go in my OJT so I am taking it slower now.
I promise. You’ll be seeing more of me now.
For you, you f^cking asshole.
Sorry for the language, guys. I’m just in a really, really, really bad mood. I can’t believe there are actually guys like him. And pathetic as it may seem – guys I was (alright, alright, am) attracted to.
Suddenly, you’re all I see again.
You’re like the most beautiful scenery in the world,
Every single time I look at you.
You’re like the light that shines through my window
On bright mornings after a stormYou’re all I see again
In that crazy spiked and colored hair
In that newly grown, manly hair above your lips
And beautiful, knee-shaking smile
Forming from your naturally pinkish lipsYou’re all I see again
With the sourness of our love
I can’t ever forget
The beauty behind each tear
And love beneath each frownYou’re all I see again
Despite the many men that have come to pass
Despite the men that have lied and loved
The many men that have ruined me
And made me bitter and angryYou’re all I see again
And somehow I still want to believe
With you it’s like magic
With you it’s just like the beauty of Christmas day
With you it’s just so simpleWith you, I’m me
And with you, I’ve got everything I need
With you there is hope
And with you there is love
When I see you again.
To See You Again
~010710Adrian~
I literally am angry at him.
And worse, I’m angry probably because I still have the strongest feelings for him that I’ve never had for anyone else. Just for him.
It’s a long story and I’m afraid I can’t really tell it all. It’s too embarrassing on my part. Okay, so maybe someday I will tell you. After I blog about my Christmas and New Year. How was your vacations everyone? Did it suck as much as mine did? If it didn’t, good for you.










